Question 1:

How do I convince my aging in-laws with declining health that it's time to give up the home they started raising a family in over 40 years ago and move to a retirement community?


JD:

That's a great question and not an easy one to answer. The easiest way is to entice them somehow. Do they have any friends that live in a retirement community? If so, would they be willing to help you with this?



If not, I would casually bring it up in conversation. Maybe you randomly mention how a friend's mother broke her hip, but thank goodness she was in this amazing community where people are around 24/7 just in case something like this should happen.


No matter how you approach it, subtle and gentle is probably best (though I don't know your in-laws). The idea is to point out the advantages to them. Change is not easy, but it is usually for a good reason.


KP:

Unfortunately you can't always convince others of what you think is best for them. Many aging people feel pressure to give up what they have worked a lifetime to get. This pressure can cause resentment and hurt feelings. Have you asked if they are interested in moving out of their home of 40 years? Do they have health issues that require assistance? Is the house too much work for them now? If the answer is no to these questions you may need to rethink your motive. It is easy to become the "bad" in law by trying to push them out of their home.


It might be best to have a family heart to heart with them to voice concerns for their future. Are there immediate health issues that need to be dealt with or do they have a year or two before a change is necessary? They may surprise you and have a plan already. Plant the thought but let them make the decision--not you or their children.


Another issue to consider is how their children feel about all of this. If they are not worried about it why are you? If you are afraid of the elder care burden then you need to voice that to your spouse and the siblings before trying to "convince" your in laws of anything. Always remember if our children are the heart of our family our
aging are the soul. Without them we are empty.



NM:

Your question raises others in my mind. Is there general agreement among others in the family that your in-laws need to move out? Is it your job to persuade them to make a major life change, rather than your spouse's job? And why are you convinced that moving out of their home is the only workable solution to their situation?



If you decide to take this on yourself for whatever reason, I am going to assume that you have established a good relationship with them, based on mutual respect and caring. From that basis (and only from that basis), raise the PROBLEM rather than proposing a solution. Ask them if they have thought of different options for long-term care and how you can help (doing research, bringing them for site visits, etc.). Your in-laws may have other options besides leaving their home.



If it's gone farther than that - for example, they really should be out of their home NOW because they're in danger - or they have impaired mental functioning and you or your spouse don't have power of attorney, you may need help from others in your familiy and from a professional, like a social worker or a family therapist. The
retirement community you may already be looking at can probably refer you to someone who can help with this.



However your conversation proceeds, remember to be compassionate, respectful, and open to their ideas. Good luck!



Question 2
How do you point someone in a direction for help without discussing the real issue?



JD:
I would do this through story-telling. If I tell a story about how something happened to me and how I resolved it in a positive way, then people are inclined to listen. You may want to make the parallel between your story and the "real" issue at hand, but in a positive
light. Otherwise, the person may be put on the defensive.



KP:

Your approach will depend on your closeness to the person. Is it a close friend, family member, co-worker or acquantance? This can be a tough, touchy thing. Are you sure it would not be better to discuss the real issue or will the person run from you/it? Are you overstepping your boundaries by touching on the subject?


If the person is in any true danger from spousal abuse, addiction, depression, a more direct approach might be appropriate.
I have always found by keeping the focus on myself in a conversation I can convey a message without insulting or hurting the other person. I tend to use my own experience and what I did to better things. I am open with the steps taken to change my situation. Hearing a similar story may be what the person needs to open up or seek help.


NM:

Why does the person need help? If you don't have enough of a relationship with someone to discuss a real issue, you probably don't have any business trying to help - subtle or not subtle. Unless the person is in clear danger or is doing something to offend you, my advice is to leave well enough alone. Most people aren't subtle enough to get a hint, or, if they are, may find a hint much more offensive than a direct, respectful approach.



Question 3:



How do I encourage someone who has the potential that they can do a business even though there are two other people in the community doing the same business?



JD:

This is where niche marketing is helpful. I would help this person make a list of their hobbies and/or fortes and find a way to combine the list with their business. There is a refined target audience that is waiting to be tapped. It's this person's job to find a way to make the parallel.


NM:

Convincing someone else to undertake a business is risky. Your friend is the one who will be putting time, money, and creativity on the line in order to start a business, whereas you're not a stakeholder.



If you are truly convinced that your friend should start this business, suggest that she put together a business plan "just as an exercise." Perhaps the plan, which will take into account the local competition, will convince her that there is enough business out there for her endeavor to succeed. Even if she decides the business is not viable, the exercise of putting together a business plan may inspire her in other directions.



KP:

As a direct seller I have had that fear. Will I sabotage my own potential customer base by signing my neighbor? Unless you both only run in all the same circles, work in the same place and have all the same extended family it is safe to say that each person would find success despite the close proximity. Help them to think outside the box. We use the FRANK list. Friends, Relatives, Acquantances,
Neighbors, Kids. Have them list everyone they know or know of. They may be surprised by how long the lists are. These are their initial potential customer base. Next have them highlight anyone who would be strongly interested in the product or service. There is the first contact list. Now they need to act as if they have already signed on. This gives them great practice and if they have sales then they have true incentive to move forth with the business.


Question 4:

How do you manage your time and stay focused working from home?



JD:

I ask myself this question every day! What I try to do is make a list of things that need to get done within the day. I include on that list my meals, my naps, and the gym. I then try to break it down into timed intervals. I've noticed that I may not stay STRICTLY on time AND I may switch task orders around, but I get 99% of it done! Try it for a day or two and see what happens!


NM:

Put a lock on your refrigerator and give someone else the key.


Seriously, time management at home is much like time management in an office. The difference is that you need clearer boundaries at home. Create a schedule so that you will be working during certain times of a day and NOT working other times. During work time, don't do personal errands, answer personal emails, or accept personal
phone calls. During personal or family time, don't do work or accept work-related phone calls. You may offend a few people and have to do some serious negotiating with business life, but it's worth your sanity.



KP:



This is something I struggle with as well. It is difficult to find balance between the kids, my businesses, work, husband, family,
house, volunteering, and self.



I set goals for myself. From these goals I try to make realistic
to do lists for each week. Then I strategize how to make each goal
happen. When a goal is not being achieved I look at what is preventing
it. This allows me to re-evaluate my strategy and find a more effective
way to achieve that goal.



I have a 15-month-old and do in home childcare. I am available for
my customers most of the time but need to be sure to not ignore
my daughter or day care children. When I am getting paid for them,
they need to be the focus. I am sure to spend time playing with
my daughter every afternoon once the other kids have gone home.
She needs the security and fun of Mom Time (I need it too) and it
is so much fun. During nap time and in the evenings I work on my
business. I schedule my events for weekends and evenings so as to
not interfere with other priorities. I allow myself to be human,
mess up, miss some opportunities. We can’t do everything all the
time.



My husband of 2 years and I have a date night at least once a month
although our goal is once a week. He has an unpredictable schedule.
We discuss weekly any issues/frustrations we are having and that
has been helpful. My house is not perfect. The laundry get washed
but not always folded or put away. The dishes get to the dishwasher
but not always back on the shelf. The floors are washed once a week,
the carpets are vacuumed twice a week unless there is an accident
that must be cleaned. I toss junk mail right in the trash. I don’t
buy the newspaper. I could spend all day, everyday cleaning so I
have a system and I try to stick to it. Sundays are cleaning day
in prep for the kids on Monday. Do what works for your family. No
one really cares if the house is perfect all the time.



I only volunteer for what I have time for and what I will enjoy.
Volunteering should add happiness to your life not stress. If you
don’t have the time, energy or will don’t do it. Offering to do
a fundraiser for a group is a great way to volunteer and your business
gains the benefit of new contacts, free publicity, being a good
neighbor. There will always be opportunities to give to your community.
Do what works for you.



I am working on becoming a top priority. I set a goal of getting to the gym at least 4 times a week. This was not happening so I signed up for the childcare at the gym. Now I can spend an hour or so every afternoon keeping myself healthy while my daughter is making new friends, enjoying her new "playgroup."



Being a work at home parent is a constant game of give and take, ups and downs. Enjoy the ride, that is what it is all about.